Northern_Lights_2016

49 Neighbor ’ s Chorus Walking on the cold hard pavement, I wondered if I really wanted to do this. The question was obvious that I didn’t want to, but I had to. I rolled my shoulders back and I did my best to look confident. Somehow I got out of bed this morning, when I least wanted to and managed to do my hair and makeup. It’s strange how something so little can be the last thing you want to do this morning. I did my best to get to choir today. “Why is she in choir today?” “She probably wants to get back in a routine.” “It looks like she’s handling it well?” I wasn’t handling it well. As soon as I wandered into the choir room I noticed a very obvious empty seat in the bass section. It was staring me right in the face. I took a deep breath. The consistent throbbing in my head vanished for the meantime. I still had an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. The kind that makes you wonder if you are going to throw up or maybe you are just hungry. “I heard she hasn’t ate in a while.” “Would you be able to eat after that happened?” “I think she’s eating fine. She doesn’t look like she’s starving.” I was starving for some answers. That’s all I wanted. My father always told me not to ask questions you don’t want answers to. I didn’t want answers. I needed them. They consumed my head and my life. “You couldn’t pay me to have her life.” “Yea, but why do you think he did it?” I should just accept that I’ll never know why he did it. That’s what my psychiatrist says. She keeps telling me I need to deal with my emotions and move on. How can she assume that this is just a normal breakup? “Do you think she broke up with him before?” “I wonder what pushed him.” I pushed open the doors out of the choir room. I can’t do this. I felt like a flame was gradually consuming me. I felt hot. I rushed to the bathroom to gain privacy. I washed my cold face with water, carefully trying not to ruin my makeup. Trying to take deep breaths I gasped as if I’m running out of oxygen. “I heard the hospital tried putting him on oxygen.” “That’s bullshit, they didn’t do that he was already dead.” Dead. He wasn’t ever going to come back. I felt like I was in a dream I couldn’t wake up from. I attempted to look at the ceiling to prevent tears spilling from my eyes. I attempted to get up today. I attempted to go to choir. For some reason I felt like my life could be normal but that was far from the truth. I was forever scarred by this. “This shouldn’t be that big of a surprise.” “Did you see all the scars on his arm?” I started to rub cold water up and down my arms and I put my head down for a minute. I looked in the mirror. I looked like shit. Why did I look so low? I knew that answer. Okay, deep breath. You have to deal with this. You’re go- ing to be okay. But I knew I wasn’t okay. I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. Could I walk on to campus and not look for him? I couldn’t go to choir without staring at his empty seat. Was I going to wake up one day and not think of him every single minute? Whenever you miss someone, you wonder what they are doing. You wonder what their day is like, where they are going. “Where did she go?” “Bathroom? Maybe . . .” “Should we see if she is all right?” It’s going to all right. Lying to myself was so much easier at this point. Lying to myself that he wasn’t dead. Lying to myself about my well being. I’m lying to myself to think I will somehow make it through this semester. What was I going to do? “What would you do?” “You mean if my boyfriend committed suicide? I don’t know what I would do.” I walked back into choir. The choir director looked my way to see if I was okay or all right. I faked a smile for him just like how I got out of bed that morning and made myself look decent. It was all fake but I honestly wondered if I was fooling anyone. I sure wasn’t fooling me. Our choir director pulled a new song with an upbeat tempo. The composer also wrote the famous “Can Can.” I opened the new music and saw the title, “Neighbor’s Chorus.” Please excuse us mister We don’t want to bother We only want to know All of us are neighbors So we’re very curious Why do you look so low? Dakota Feller