Northern_Lights_2021

16 “I don’t agree. Morals cannot exist without objective truth . . .” I don’t remember walking to my car. (I do remember, just not the process of walking.) I wonder who might see me dancing in my living room. Is this seriously what you wasted your mom’s life insurance on? Why don’t you feel anything when you think about her death? I can’t get up. My brain feels numb . . . Whatever. I’ll be fine in an hour. Why can’t I just turn off these feelings if I know I’ll be fine? Oh my gosh, my wife is gonna love this video. Of course, if she doesn’t realize I don’t deserve her. I inhale with a huge smile: “HI HONEY! I MISSED YOUUUUU!” Gosh, her face is so cute. I love her so much. I really need to go to bed. It’s 1:50 AM. I have class . . . Meh, I can function pretty well with less than 6 hours. “Lord. I don’t deserve anything you’ve given me . . .” I’m so scared . . . I don’t want to fail her . . . Fail God . . . I just want to be good enough, though I know I never will. I pull her closer and to the hum of the fan drift off to another dream. Five more minutes to think about the dream. You lost five points on that one test. I can’t smell bad, I have to shower. What am I going to do today? One hair is out of place. One side of mustache is a mm too low. Cringe. Why did you say that??? Is it a drip coffee or espresso day? I’m gonna be late. Skip making cold lunch. You don’t deserve to eat. You’re an ingrate. The car is cold, I need to save gas. Casting my Crown warms my soul. “Ope, excuse me.” “Sorry.” “No, you’re good!” I like smiling at people because I worked in retail. “It’s beginning to look a lot, like, Christmas!” I’m taking up too much space at this desk. The teacher didn’t smile at you. He hates you. I raise my hand. Wrong. My heart squeezes. Replay the line above 10x in my head . . . GAH!!! I’m so forking stupid . . . You’re a failure. Why can’t you just get it right? Hungry after last class’s wrong answer. “I’m good! How are you? It’s been awhile!” . . . I have no idea who that was. Augh . . . Why am I so awkward??? Why do my shoes make so much noise? Attention Deficit Hyperactive Depression Brandon Heim